E) As you read this section contemplate how you are in touch with your female self, your capacities for mystery, relationship, being. How our world rejects the feminine and this lack of balance between masculine and feminine energies is behind so much of our personal and collective suffering.
As these changes were transpiring, other equally important developments were taking place. During a session a few months after Rutherford's first appearance, Frida called forth to my Female Basic Self and asked her to state her name and emotional age. I was very moved to hear a little voice say, “My name is Mary and I am four years old.”
Mary's emergence from subconsciousness to consciousness marked the beginning of a major phase in my personal and spiritual growth, a phase that would last ten years. As it happened, Mary felt like she was four years old because Rutherford, who had long dominated my psyche and personality, had overshadowed and prevented Mary from growing up and assuming her rightful role in my life.
But with Rutherford's departure, the little four year old would have the psychic space necessary to grow. And grow she would! After two more sessions and much homework between those sessions, Mary matured to the emotional age of nineteen. In another year, Mary would grow to the age of twenty-eight. During this time, she manifested primarily as a compassionate and efficient nurse, assisting my immune system to prevent major infections and generally upgrading my overall physical health and mental outlook.
Mary also helped me descend consciously into the deeper layers of my psyche, into my very roots. She showed me how the Feminine Principle is identified with primordial creative energy. At one point she appeared to me as a dragon, much like the Chinese depiction of the dragon as the vehicle of Quan Yin. Eastern religions regard the dragon as the sign of life, even as life itself, whereas in the West the dragon is seen as a diabolical beast to be opposed and slain. My "bible" during this period was Erich Neumann's The Great Mother, a lucid and sympathetic presentation of the divine Feminine Archetype throughout its many expressions in different cultures stemming from prehistoric times. Neumann was one of the pioneers of depth psychology, and I recommend The Great Mother for anyone interested in gaining greater insight into the full range of the spirit and forms of the Feminine Principle.
The fact that my body had received the kidney of a female college student also figured prominently in my awakening, especially my emotional awakening, to the importance of the Feminine Principle. Nothing that was happening to me was imaginary or theoretical—it was all very real. Inwardly, my psychic reality consisted of deeply meaningful and often dramatic growth. Outwardly, I identified with feminist political initiatives—something that was previously anathema to me when Rutherford was pulling the strings.
As I mentioned earlier, these developments took place over a ten-year period. A carefully timed plan orchestrated by my High Self was underway. First, the old regime marked by the domination of the Male Self had to go. Next, the Female Self would gain ascendancy—karmically as a counterbalance to the years of Male Self imperative and control, and dharmically because she must embark on a journey of selfdiscovery and awaken to her own highest purpose.
F) As you read this section contemplate your inner child, all your potentials that may or may not have been nurtured. How can you connect, play, be curious and explore life? Or in the words of Carl Jung "In every adult there lurks a child–an eternal child, something that is always becoming, is never completed, and calls for unceasing care, attention, and education. That is the part of the personality which wants to develop and become whole."
Along with the ascendancy of the Female Self throughout most of the 1980s, my Inner Child also came forth to consciousness. Frida often called the Inner Child the Ungrownup Child. In my Soulwork experience, the Inner Child does have two sides. One side is generally happy, innocent: and sunny; the other side is often emotionally arrested at a certain age due to a traumatic event that might range anywhere from physical violence, to sexual abuse, to perceived neglect resulting from the birth of a sibling.
When working with a subconscious self that is wounded—whether that self is the Inner Child, or the Female or Male Basic Self, or the Body Self, or one of the Judge Selves—it is important to guide the self back to the time, place, circumstances and participants in the traumatic event that disrupted the self's integrity. Once these factors have been identified, the work of understanding, forgiveness and healing can begin. The integrity of the self can be restored, the rent in the fabric of the psyche repaired, the
personality given a new lease on life.
Most of the problems that exist between one's personality self and one's Inner Child are attributable to nothing more than lack of proper attention. Because the adult world is filled with responsibilities and deadlines, the personality self frequently gives itself the excuse that it is "just too busy" to pay attention to the needs of the Inner Child. When the personality self gives time and care to the Inner Child, improvements are dramatic and immediate—if the personality self is sincere. All subconscious selves are good at knowing whether the personality self is genuine and sincere in its intentions.
If an Inner Child perceives that the personality self is insincere or unreliable, he or she can retreat into a shell of unhappiness, confusion, and distrust of the personality self and of the adult world in general. In some cases, a mistreated Inner Child will "act out" and sabotage one's relationships, or cause obsessive and inappropriate relationships. A neglected Inner Child can also be at the root of depression.
However, when ones personality self shares "quality time" with the Inner Child on a regular basis, listening to its hopes, wishes and needs, and is willing to engage in playful activities, the Inner Child tends to become a truly happy member of one's inner family of selves. The Inner Child will often leap-frog into new levels of growth, to the surprise and delight of the personality self!
During this time, my Male Self was making increasingly frequent visitations to my psyche. His rehabilitation in the inner plane where he had been sent had apparently been successful. He was now tentatively feeling his way back to a more balanced and caring role in my life, with due respect for Mary, the Female Self, and with affection for the Inner Child whom he regarded as a younger brother.
Recovery from the multiple operations of my Pittsburgh summer was not without intense personal effort. The months spent in a hospital bed had reduced my physical strength to nil. I had to will myself to exercise. I walked my way back to health, adding ten more steps every day to increase my strength. The will to heal was due in large part to the rapport I had established with my Female Self and my Inner Child. They, and I, welcomed the new kidney with open arms, regarding the kidney as a special "self" who had come as a gift and a blessing to assist in the unfoldment of one's being. To be continued…